Surely, we know that things can go wrong if we are not communicating with each other in our native language. If, for example, one or two team members are not native speakers, we try to speak attentively and try to ensure that all meeting participants understand the same by using carefully selected words.
However, is this really possible at all: “understanding the same”? My answer to this clearly is: NO.
Even if all participants are communicating in their native tongue, speakers and listeners will very certainly have different experience, value systems, priorities, knowledge, interests and personal living situations. All these aspects have an influence on where they direct their focus and consequently what they are sending as part of communicating and what they are receiving, i.e. what they hear and understand.
In a situation where my conversational partner is speaking to me, I, as the listener, perceive what I receive after some sort of filtering process that I am often not aware of. These unconscious filtering processes represent a great risk for misunderstandings! This applies especially to situations where we are emotionally affected; if for example our personal value system is involved or an aspect of our personal experience is triggered, the filtering process has a significant effect. The consequence is that there is only little overlap between what is being said, and what is being heard.
Methods used to get out of this communication trap are easy, yet unusual. They are based on the Active Listening concept established by Carl Rogers:
1) Firstly, it is important to become aware of the filtering effect that is present in each and everyone of us.
2) Moreover, you should ensure to be curious about what the other person wants to say to you. You could ask yourself the following: Am I really listening or do I think I already know what the other person wants to say, and have I already put my ears on “deaf mode”?
3) Be honest to yourself: Am I really focused or do I have other thoughts running through my head? Because how often do we find ourselves in feigning to be listening, while in the end, we haven’t heard a single thing.
4) The last advice is that which is most difficult getting used to: as a listener, I should interrupt my conversational partner over and over again and repeat what I have understood. This approach slows down the discussion, but in doing so, I will be able to listen better and more attentively. Misunderstandings can thus be identified early on, and the speaker can take corrective action immediately. We only notice how many misunderstandings can arise when we apply this method of Active Listening very frequently. That's because
- what is thought is not yet said,
- what is said is not properly heard,
- what is heard is not properly understood,
- what is understood is not always accepted,
- what is accepted is not always applied,
- what is applied is not always kept.
Source: Konrad Lorenz
In a nutshell: Language is complicated. Often, the intersecting set of our common understanding during conversations is much smaller than we think. Therefore, it is worthwhile to speak and listen attentively. And the experiment of active listening – i.e. repeating what you have heard in short intervals – is definitely worth the try. The best that can happen is that the overlaps of common understanding will increase substantially.
This text first appeared in my newsletter 'Innovation on Wednesday'. It is published every other Wednesday. For subscription click here