In my last newsletter, I shared why I believe conflicts are not only inevitable but also valuable. Today, I’d like to explore what we can actually do to avoid feeling powerless when faced with a conflict and its dynamics.
Most of the time, a conflict takes us by surprise. That’s because it’s completely normal - and even energy-efficient - to move through life mainly focused on our own perspective. The clash begins when our view of things meets someone else’s. In truth, we could have anticipated it, but instead, we hold on to the comforting illusion that others see the world the same way we do.
So what should one do when a conflict arises?
A good first step to regulate the conflict is to approach the other person’s perspective with curiosity and a spirit of exploration. Where are they coming from? What needs lie beneath their position? Often, this process alone creates a sense of appreciation for the other person and their needs - something they can usually sense - and that, in turn, helps to ease the tension.
Another key skill in managing conflicts is learning to tolerate contradictions and ambiguity. It means accepting that there isn’t just one “right” way forward, but rather many possible paths - each with its own advantages and drawbacks for those involved.
This leads us to another aspect of effective conflict regulation: namely expanding the space for solutions. Instead of choosing the “best” way for Person X or the “best” way for Person Y, we can look for a new path that works for both. That requires the same curiosity I mentioned earlier - the willingness to explore the other person’s perspective and to acknowledge that multiple truths can exist at once: at least one from Person X’s point of view, and another from Person Y’s.
A solid personal foundation for managing conflicts well is the ability to self-reflect and take a step back from oneself. This means being able to look at your own behaviour from the outside and gain a sense of how your words and actions might affect others.
Someone who is self-reflective is also less likely to react impulsively, because they’re aware of their own “trigger points” - those inner tensions or unresolved emotions that can flare up in a conflict. Ideally, this awareness functions like an internal warning system: when a tension is touched, it lights up and reminds you to regulate yourself before reacting.
Self-reflection also strengthens your connection with yourself - and in my view, that’s the single most important quality for effective conflict-regulation. When you’re grounded in yourself, you have the inner capacity - the “antennas,” so to speak - to notice early signs of irritation or tension in your surroundings. That way, you’re less likely to be caught off guard by a conflict and can begin regulating it before it escalates.
To wrap up, I want to emphasize once more that for me, managing a conflict doesn’t mean silencing or resolving it as quickly as possible. Rather, it’s about recognizing the purpose of the conflict early on - and creating the space for communication, exploration, and solutions that allow it to unfold in a constructive way.
How do you handle conflicts? Have you noticed that you use different strategies for dealing with conflicts in your private life compared to conflicts in your everyday working life?
This text first appeared in my newsletter "It's innovation Wednesday". It is published once a month. For subscription click here